《1975·農場歲月：兩隻飛鳥與落選的青春》

我最早開始記錄夢境是在1975年前後，那時我正在農場偏遠的漁業隊工作。那一年，有三個夢在記憶裡歷歷在目、經久不散：

一、百花樓

1975年12月下旬一日夜夢，孤身一人走進了一個去處：到處秀水異石，百花吐艷，群卉爭芳。吾間於林蔭道上漫步，四周粉蝶飛舞，燕鳥歌唱，充滿著生機，興奮、歡樂與喜悅。大自然給予吾異常甜蜜的情感，使吾心曠神怡，邊走邊觀風賞景。

忽一座大氣磅礴的高樓聳立，造型簡練方正，看起來沒框沒架，卻有多層。透過晶瑩剔透的玻璃牆，隱約可見裡面的萬紫千紅。門牌上赫然寫著「百花樓」幾個大字。往裡一視，琳琅滿目，繁花似錦，真是可愛之極，但欲進而未至。真沒福氣！

時隔一年之久，復而想起，配詩一首：

《百花樓》
行過百花樓，萬紫千紅稠。
芬芳沁肺腑，進住必消愁。
—— 1977年7月14日於農場漁業隊。

二、落燕亭

1975年12月下旬一日夜夢，身去一處，花木亭台幽幽靜靜，蒼枝艷朵，爭輝奪目，異香誘人。荷花池上有一亭閣，牌曰「落燕亭」。

那落燕亭坐落在清澈的水邊，頂上柳連連。斜依清風的依依楊柳，垂到水面的柳條隨風蕩起輕波漣漪，弄皺了自身的倒影。夕陽餘暉裡，飛燕穿梁柱，低飛啼鳴之聲悅耳動聽，真可謂美哉！仍是欲進而未至。 如今配詩一首：

《落燕亭賦》

坐落荷花間，頂上柳連连。
飛燕穿梁柱，故名為「落燕」。
—— 1977年7月14日於農場漁業隊。（附有手繪插圖）

落燕亭賦1977年

1982年7月我們出差去了江心嶼，這個亭子讓我想起了夢中的落燕亭

三、1975年春。夢中看到兩隻漂亮的鳥在空中翱翔，我伸手輕輕一撩，竟一把將牠們抓到了手裡，展開手心一看，飛鳥卻變成了兩顆包裝精美的糖果。剝開糖紙把糖送進嘴裡，雙眼微閉，雙唇一抿，正想去捕捉那份期待中的甜蜜。呃～呸！呸！我馬上又吐了出來。那糖是苦澀的，還在嘴裡碎成了沙子，吐也吐不乾淨。惊醒。

那年春天，聽說有上影廠的導演來農場招演員，去了好幾個連隊踅摸人，卻唯獨沒來我們這個地處偏遠、人煙稀少的漁業隊。我心有不甘，又帶著幾分初生牛犢的自不量力，便跟著另一個女生一起去了老場部，希望能製造一場與導演擦肩而過的機會。

果然，在擁擠喧鬧的小賣部裡，遠遠地看到了演員陳述等人的身影。稍後路過場部大禮堂，裡面正準備面試考生，我們在門口張望，沒想到他們看見了，也讓我進去參加了面試。那時大概有二十來個人接受考核。我緊張忐忑地朗誦了一首當時《小說月報》上刊登的詩，開頭是：「好高的樹啊好高的稍，白羊肚手巾紅袖標。」

落選是注定的，但關鍵是我去了，便無怨無悔。後來我報名參軍，卻因為母親歷史上曾被打成反革命的政治原因，政審最終沒能通過，連體檢都沒讓我參加。命運無常，其實這場人生突圍的最終結局，早在那場「兩隻漂亮飛鳥」的苦澀夢境裡，便已精準地向我的元神揭示了謎底。

連體檢也沒上網參加。其實結果在這「兩隻漂亮的鳥夢」裡早有揭示。

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1975: The Farm Years — Two Flying Birds and a Defiant Youtho

I began recording my dreams around 1975, while working at a remote fishery team on a state farm. That year, three dreams left an indelible impression on my memory:

I. The Hundred-Flower Pavilion

In a night’s dream in late December 1975, I walked entirely alone into a certain place: everywhere lay elegant waters and exotic rocks, with a hundred flowers bursting into blossom and clusters of plants competing in splendor. I strolled along a shaded avenue; all around, pink butterflies fluttered and swallows sang, filling the air with vitality, excitement, joy, and delight. Nature granted me an exceptionally sweet emotion, leaving me thoroughly refreshed as I walked along, taking in the scenery.

Suddenly, a tall, magnificent pavilion rose before me. Its design was sleek and square, appearing to have no visible frame, yet spanning multiple tiers. Through the crystal-clear glass walls, a rich tapestry of blooming blossoms was half-revealed within. Its plaque bore the grand words "Hundred-Flower Pavilion." Glancing inside, it was a dazzling jumble, exceedingly lovely to the absolute limit; yet, though I wished to enter, I did not reach it. What poor fortune!

A full year later, the memory resurfaced, and I composed a poem to accompany it:
Passing by the Hundred-Flower Pavilion,
A thick profusion of purple and crimson grows.
The sweet fragrance permeates the lungs and breast,
To enter and dwell would surely banish all woes.
— July 14, 1977, at the Farm Fishery Team.

II. The Falling-Swallow Arbor

In a night’s dream in late December 1975, my body traveled to a place where flowers, trees, pavilions, and terraces lay in absolute quiet and tranquility. Weathered branches and vibrant blossoms competed in splendor, catching the eye with an inviting, exotic fragrance. Upon a lotus pond stood an arbor, its plaque reading "Falling-Swallow Arbor."

That arbor sat nestled tightly amidst the clear waters, with cascading willows draping in rows upon its roof. Brushing against the top of the arbor in the gentle breeze, the willow fronds sent delicate ripples across the water's surface, wrinkling their own reflections. In the lingering glow of twilight, swallows darted through the beams and pillars, their low-flying chirps thoroughly pleasing to the ear—it could truly be called magnificent! Yet, once again, I wished to enter but did not reach it. Today, I compose a poem to accompany it:
Nestled tightly amidst the lotus flowers,
Upon its roof, the willows drape in rows.
Flying swallows dart through beams and pillars,
And thus, the name of "Falling-Swallow" arose.
— July 14, 1977, at the Farm Fishery Team. (Accompanied by an original hand-drawn illustration)

III. The spring of 1975. In my dream, I witnessed two exquisite birds soaring through the sky. With a casual sweep of my hand, I reached out and scooped them right out of the air. Opening my palm, the birds had transformed into two beautifully wrapped candies. I peeled away the tinsel and popped them into my mouth, closing my eyes slightly and pursing my lips, eager to savor the anticipated sweetness. Ugh—ptui! Ptui! I instantly spat them out in disgust. The sweets were intensely bitter, crumbling into dry sand inside my mouth that could never be completely rinsed away. Awakened.

That very spring, whispers rippled through the farm that directors from the Shanghai Film Studio had arrived to scout for actors. They combed through several companies looking for talent, but bypassed our small, remote fishery outpost entirely. Refusing to succumb to resignation, and fueled by a reckless youthful audacity, I paired up with another girl and trekked to the old farm headquarters, hoping to manufacture a chance encounter with the directors.

Sure enough, inside the swarming general store, I caught a distant glimpse of the famous actor Chen Shu and his entourage. Later, as we passed the main auditorium where auditions were actively being prepared, we peered eagerly through the doorway. To our shock, they spotted us and invited me inside to audition alongside roughly twenty other candidates. Stricken with trembling nerves, I recited a contemporary poem published in the Fiction Monthly journal. It opened with the lines: "How tall the trees grow, how high their crests rise; white sheep-skin headscarves and red armbands against the skies."

Failure was an absolute mathematical certainty, yet the triumph lay in the fact that I threw myself into the arena—leaving me with zero regrets. Later on, when I attempted to enlist in the military, I failed the political background check due to my mother’s historical status as a designated counter-revolutionary; I was barred from even participating in the physical examination. The cruelty of destiny had already unreeled its blueprint; the bitter outcome of this entire youthful gamble had been laid bare to my soul long before, precisely decoded within that fleeting illusion of the two beautiful birds.

特別感謝 Gemini AI 提供充滿活力的翻譯和文本潤色。

Special thanks to Gemini AI for providing the spirited translation and text refinement.

第三百六十一篇