我們成長的年代，社會提倡的是女性“不愛紅裝愛武裝”。母親的家教極為嚴謹，總叮囑我要“笑不露齒”。在那時少女的眼裏，美醜其實是一個模糊的概念。
打破這寧靜的是1970年。一群身穿軍裝的“白大褂”當著五六十人的面，直白地評價我“牙齒難看”。從那一刻起，我變得不會笑了。我意識到，原來“齒如編貝”才是美的標準，而我那拔掉了兩顆虎牙的門牙顯得如此不協調。
“齙牙”這個標籤，在我下意識裏埋下了自卑的種子。尤其是在照相館，當攝影師按下快門前喊出那個“笑”字時，那聲音簡直像發令槍響，瞬間將我的局促提到表層。洗出來的照片裏，肌肉僵硬，眼神閃躲。別人總評價我“不上照”，我氣得把照片撕了又撕，卻抵不過心底對記錄青春的渴望。
長大了，愛美之心漸長，牙齒成了我的心病。但在那個年月，整容被視為“資產階級情調”，公立醫院大多不設此科。直到1976年秋，我托了鄰居好友華姐，幾經周折聯繫到普陀區眼牙病防治所的郭醫師，才開啟了長達兩年的牙齒矯正歷程。
二、 命運的擦肩：一場因“開不了口”而錯過的招考
1976年12月24日，那是一個改變我人生走向的午後。我在農場漁業隊的食堂聊天，瞥見幾名男子從大堤走下。幾分鐘後，老支書叫我去辦公室。原來，那幾位是上海戲劇學院的招生老師。他們在人群中看中了我，想請這個“在伙房裏穿軍服的姑娘”去談談。
面對他們的問題，我雖然一一作答，但內心深處卻始終處於一種“開不了口”的狀態。那種被“白大褂”種下的自卑感如影隨形，我知道自己的牙齒不好看，便下意識地控制著表情，不敢有絲毫生動的流露。
那次“星探”的偶遇，就像一顆流星劃過。雖然他們很有禮貌地給了我筆試機會，但這種因容貌焦慮而產生的束縛感，加上離開學校已久，最終讓我與這次機會失之交臂。落選成了必然，那是青春特有的隱痛。
三、 精神的救贖：靈魂在巨著裏流浪
好在，那個枯燥的年代還有文學。文革時期，外國文學常被視為“大毒草”，但我的一位同班同學——文豪，成了我的引路人。
在學校時，我們甚至沒說過一句話。但他卻默默地從我家窗口，一摞一摞地遞進那些“禁書”。他將毫無文學素養的我，帶到了文學殿堂的大門口。自此，我沉浸在中西方古典文學的海洋裏。我不再糾結於是否能露出燦爛的笑容，轉而追求一種“冷若冰霜”的氣質。既然過去因偏見而不敢笑，現在乾脆不笑了，反而覺得簡單、自在。
四、 回望：那些必經的彎路
隨著歲月流逝，矯正過的牙齒因技術限制，又慢慢變得不太齊整。但相比最初，已是好了太多。更重要的是，隨著知識與閱歷的積澱，外貌的權重在心中逐漸淡去。
多年後回望，我有時會想：拔掉那兩顆虎牙，經歷這場並不完美的矯正，是不是走了一大圈彎路？如果當時我保留了像山口百惠那樣的虎牙，是否會更有個性？
也許，這一圈彎路就是我生命中必須要經歷的。沒有那段對容貌的掙扎，或許我也無法在文學中體會到那種深層的、冷峻的自由。
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From "Hiding the Smile" to Frosty Aloofness: A Youth Tethered by Teeth and Redeemed by Soul
I. The Internalized Shackle: When a Smile Becomes a Secret
During my youth, the prevailing ethos for women was "preferring military fatigues to silken robes." My mother’s upbringing was strict; she constantly reminded me to smile without showing my teeth. To a young girl then, the concepts of beauty and ugliness were still blurred.
That tranquility shattered in 1970. A group of "White Coats" in military uniform bluntly critiqued my appearance in front of dozens, declaring my teeth "unsightly." From that moment, I forgot how to smile. I learned that beauty was defined by "teeth like rows of cowrie shells," and my own—missing two canines—seemed jarringly uncoordinated.
The label of "buckteeth" planted a seed of inferiority in my subconscious. It bloomed most painfully at the photo studio. Whenever the photographer shouted "Smile!" before pressing the shutter, it felt like a starting pistol, forcing my anxiety to the surface. The resulting photos captured stiff muscles and defensive eyes. People said I was "unphotogenic." I tore those photos to shreds, yet I couldn't extinguish the burning desire to record my youth.
II. The Missed Encounter: A Silent Barrier
On Christmas Eve, 1976, fate brushed past me. While I was chatting in the farm’s canteen, a few men from the Shanghai Theatre Academy—"talent scouts," as we call them now—spotted me. They asked the party secretary to find the "girl in military uniform in the kitchen" for a talk.
Though I answered their questions, I remained mentally "unable to open my mouth." The shame planted by the "White Coats" shadowed me; I was so hyper-aware of my teeth that I suppressed every vivid expression. The encounter was like a shooting star—brief and unreachable. Despite their polite offer for a written test, my stifled confidence and the years away from school made failure inevitable. It was a poignant sting of youth.
III. Spiritual Redemption: Wandering Within Great Works
Fortunately, there was literature. During a time when foreign books were branded "poisonous weeds," a classmate named Wenhao became my guide. We had never spoken a word in school, yet he began passing stacks of "forbidden books" through my window.
He led a girl with no literary background to the gates of a grand temple. I became immersed in the ocean of Western and Chinese classics. I stopped yearning for a radiant smile and instead embraced a "frosty, aloof" demeanor. Since prejudice had stolen my smile, I chose not to smile at all. It was simpler, and in that coldness, I found a strange freedom.
IV. Reflection: The Necessary Detour
Years later, I look back at the extracted canines and the imperfect correction. Did I take a long, unnecessary detour? If I had kept those teeth—like the iconic Momoe Yamaguchi—would I have been more uniquely myself?
Perhaps this journey was exactly what I needed to experience. Without that struggle over my reflection, I might never have found the profound, cool liberty that awaited me within the pages of those books.
特別感謝 Gemini AI 提供充滿活力的翻譯和文本潤色。
Special thanks to Gemini AI for providing the spirited translation and text refinement.
第三百四十二篇
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