一、隱形的護身符
經歷了數十年的歲月沉澱，我才恍然大悟：母親當年那頂沉重的「反革命」帽子，竟成了動蕩歲月中送給全家最隱形的護身符。儘管在當時，我們只感受到了無盡的痛苦。
二、先天的護身符
其實，我自帶一種天然的護身符——虎牙。上小學前，父親帶我去拔掉了它們。小時候僅有的三張照片裡，我的表情都很嚴肅，看不清牙齒。直到1970年的照片裡才見到了笑容。但那是人生中極為短暫的無憂無慮的笑。
三、當年的痛苦多年後轉為慶幸
1970年，上海著名的「十大賓館」在上海各中學進行選美式招聘。我被校方送去區教育局應聘體檢，我校只送了我一個人去。穿著軍裝的「白大褂兒」們特意說了一個笑話引起哄堂大笑，當著一房間五六十個應聘生的面，「白大褂兒」們嘖嘖嘆息：「啊呀！這女孩不笑多好看，可惜這兩顆門牙……」那番話刺痛了我的青春期，讓我從此不敢再笑。拍照片兒時面部肌肉僵硬而不自信。多年後回想，那何嘗不是老天的保護？如果我真的擁有完美的牙齒並被選中，命運會將我推向何方？每每想到此，只覺脊背發涼。
四、沒來由的腹痛
1987年初夏，一位在校工作的男青年問我「是否想看錄像帶？」他說「如果你錯過了機會，你就錯過了一生」。他的表情有點怪。
「黃帶？」我問。
「是的。」他回答。
「我能帶一位朋友去嗎？」
「男的？女的？」
「女的。」
他想了想說：「好的 只要她能保密。」
那個年月看「黃帶」是犯法的。在那個好奇心戰勝恐懼的年紀，我拉了一位好友嗲妹妹陪我壯膽。那男青年是在我們大學裡工作的，人品應該不錯，他又彈得一手好鋼琴。在我們成長的那個年月，一般人是碰不到鋼琴的。社會上私人教學是不被允許的，這就說明他出身於一個有教養的家庭。當然這都是我那簡單腦瓜子的認為。錄像是在他朋友家看的。男主人也跟我們同齡。互相介紹後進了屋，男主人給我們倒了茶水。「如果聽到有人敲門 要冷靜。」他說，「你開燈，」他指著我校男生，然後指著我倆「你們俩坐著，正常地聊天好嗎？」說完就按了播放鍵……
我和嗲妹妹都驚呆了，從沒想到畫面會如此「生動!」真讓人反胃，我們屏住呼吸，盯著屏幕，不知道該做什麼，說什麼。我們應該叫他們關機嗎？我們應該立即站起來離開嗎？我們應該表現出憤怒嗎？但我們什麼也沒做。影片繼續播放。「篤、篤、篤、」突然有人敲門！
坐在床沿上的男生立刻去關機，用大毛巾蓋住。主人從床上跳下來，開燈 用食指擋住嘴巴，示意保持冷靜。我倆的臉通紅。門開了一條縫，然後就聽到他說「媽媽!」他母親沒有進屋。男生轉過身說「哇 好險！」他按了錄音機的鍵，播放了音樂「放鬆一點吧，你們都太緊張了，」「來、來、來、跳個舞吧！」「我不會跳舞，」嗲妹妹說。「沒關係，能放鬆一點就好。」開始跳舞，我倆都很緊張，不想發生任何事，我俩來之前就商量好了的。氣氛陷入微妙尷尬時，突然間我的肚子劇烈的疼了起來，難以耐受。我們就告辭了。
第二次是同年盛夏，在去廣州的途中，我買了硬臥票，睡中鋪，在車上待了30個小時左右。對面上下舖有兩個做生意的上海年輕人很健談，說做生意并不難他們從廣州採購到上海出售，僅僅三年就發了。回滬後，我應他們的邀約，在街邊大排檔喝飲料聊天。同樣模式的劇烈腹痛，再次毫無徵兆地降臨，讓我不得不草草離場。平時不會有無緣無故肚子疼的。唯獨這兩次，毫無心機的我在不知如何收場時，身體替我做出了決定。
五、上蒼之手？
那些痛苦的瞬間，被否定的容貌，甚至突如其來的病痛，原來都是上蒼看我太過懵懂，在人生的轉角處悄悄地拉住了我的那隻手。
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Chapter 1: The Invisible Amulet
Only after decades of life have settled and clarified do I finally arrive at a sudden, piercing realization: my mother’s heavy political label as a "Counter-Revolutionary" back then was actually the most invisible amulet the heavens could have gifted our family during those turbulent years. Yet at the time, we felt nothing but endless, unyielding pain.
Chapter 2: An Innate Safeguard
In truth, I was born with a natural shield of my own—my snaggleteeth (canine fangs). Before I started elementary school, my father took me to have them pulled out. In the only three photographs remaining from my early childhood, my expressions are uniformly solemn, completely hiding my teeth. It wasn't until a photograph from 1970 that a smile finally emerged on my face. But looking back, that was an exceptionally fleeting, carefree laugh in the grand canvas of my life.
Chapter 3: Pain of the Past, Gratitude of Today
In 1970, Shanghai’s famous "Top Ten Luxury Hotels" conducted a beauty-pageant-style recruitment drive across various local high schools. The school administration selected me—and me alone from our entire institution—to go to the District Education Bureau for the recruitment physical and interview.
Inside the room, the medical examiners in military-style white coats deliberately told a joke that triggered an explosion of laughter among the fifty or sixty applicants gathered there. Right in front of everyone, the "white coats" clicked their tongues and sighed directly at me: "Ah, what a pity! This girl looks so beautiful when she doesn't smile, but those two front teeth of hers..."
Those words deeply stung my adolescent pride. From that day onward, I never dared to smile freely again. Whenever a camera was pointed at me, my facial muscles would freeze up with a profound lack of self-confidence.
Yet, decades later, when I look back on that painful day, I realize it was nothing short of divine intervention. If I had possessed a set of flawless teeth and had actually been selected by those luxury hotels, where would that twist of fate have pushed my life? Every time this thought crosses my mind, a cold shiver runs down my spine.
Chapter 4: Unexplained Abdominal Pain
In the early summer of 1987, a young man who worked at my university asked me a peculiar question: "Do you want to watch a video tape?" He added, "If you miss this chance, you will miss out on it for the rest of your life." His expression was strangely intense.
"An adult tape?" I asked bluntly.
"Yes," he replied.
"Can I bring a friend with me?"
"Male or female?"
"A female friend."
He pondered it for a moment and said, "Alright, as long as she can keep a secret."
In those years, watching smuggled adult videotapes was strictly illegal. At an age where curiosity routinely triumphed over fear, I brought along a close friend—a sweet, charming girl (a classic Shanghai Dia-Meme)—to boost my courage. The young man worked at our university, so I assumed his character must be decent. He also played the piano beautifully. In the era we grew up in, ordinary people rarely had access to a piano, and private lessons were strictly prohibited by society. To me, this signaled that he came from a highly cultured, educated family. Of course, that was just the naive logic of my simple mind back then.
The viewing took place at his friend’s apartment. The male host was roughly our age. After brief introductions, we entered the room, and the host poured us some tea. "If you hear anyone knocking on the door, stay calm," he instructed. He pointed to the university colleague: "You turn on the main light." Then he pointed to the two of us: "You two just sit there and chat naturally, okay?" With that, he hit the play button.
My friend and I were utterly paralyzed. We had never imagined images could be so incredibly "graphic!" It was genuinely stomach-churning. We held our breath, staring blankly at the screen, entirely at a loss for what to do or say. Should we demand they turn it off? Should we immediately stand up and walk out? Should we show righteous indignation? In our shock, we did absolutely nothing.
The tape rolled on. Suddenly—knock, knock, knock—someone was at the door!
The young man sitting on the edge of the bed instantly cut the power and threw a large towel over the television set. The host leaped off the bed, flipped the light switch on, and put his index finger to his lips, gesturing for absolute silence. Our faces were burning crimson.
The front door creaked open slightly, and we heard him call out, "Mom!" Luckily, his mother did not come inside the room. The young man turned back to us, letting out a breath: "Wow, that was a close call!" He pressed a button on a tape recorder, flooding the tense room with music. "Let's relax a bit, you guys are way too stiff," he urged. "Come on, let's dance!"
"I don't know how to dance," my sweet friend blurted out.
"It doesn't matter, just relax." They started to move to the music. The two of us were incredibly anxious; we had firmly agreed before coming that we did not want anything compromising to happen. Just as the atmosphere was descending into a profoundly subtle, awkward tension, a sharp, excruciating pain suddenly tore through my abdomen. It was entirely unbearable. Grabbing onto the excuse of this sudden illness, we immediately said our goodbyes and escaped.
The second incident occurred during the height of summer that same year. On a trip to Guangzhou, I had purchased a hard-sleeper train ticket and was assigned the middle berth. The journey took about thirty hours. Directly opposite me, occupying the upper and lower berths, were two highly loquacious young men from Shanghai who were into private commerce. They chatted animatedly about how easy it was to make money, boasting that they had amassed a fortune in just three years by sourcing goods from Guangzhou to sell back in Shanghai.
After returning to Shanghai, I accepted their invitation to meet up at a roadside food stall to chat over drinks. Without warning, the exact same pattern of excruciating abdominal pain descended upon me out of nowhere. It forced me to cut the gathering short and leave immediately.
Normally, I never suffered from random, unprovoked stomach aches. Yet on those two specific occasions, when my completely naive, defenseless self had absolutely no idea how to gracefully exit a dangerous or uncomfortable situation, my own body stepped in and made the executive decision for me.
Chapter 5: The Hand of the Heavens?
Those agonizing moments, the harsh rejection of my appearance, and even those sudden, mysterious bodily pains—I now see them for what they truly were. They were the manifestations of a divine hand. Seeing how terribly oblivious and innocent I was, the heavens had quietly reached down at the critical intersections of my life, gently but firmly pulling me back from the edge.
特別感謝 Gemini AI 提供充滿活力的翻譯和文本潤色。
Special thanks to Gemini AI for providing the spirited translation and text refinement.
第三百四十一篇
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